Struggling. Celebrating.

I re-read my previous post (Weekend Oasis) and it's very disjointed.  I thought about editing it, but why?  That's how I felt when I wrote it so it conveys my state of mind at the time.  I don't want to get into the specifics of my stress but for the most part it has to do with my job.  Of course I knew taking on such a position would mean stress, real stress.  The kind that causes your stomach to knot up, your heart to cramp, your mind to race.  None of that sounds healthy does it?  But I have so many more coping mechanisms than I did when I first started my legal career in my twenties so I'm much more balanced than I was then.  The truth of it is I take it on for me, and I gut it out for my family.  

Of course I can't lay all of my stress lately at the feet of my career.  The only thing in my life that can turn me into an anxiety-ridden ball of nerves are my children.  When things in their world aren't going right, everything else in my life grinds to a halt.  So when I finally learned that DD was being targeted by a group of swimmers at his swim team, I was crushed.  I'm talking about weeks that this has been going on right under my nose.  He broke down and told me one night and I was almost paralyzed with anger and guilt that I had not known this and put an end to it right when it started.  I know if I shared with friends in person, everyone would tell me that these kinds of things always happen and you can only do what you can when you know.  But you would also have to admit that the parent guilt is very real and it's very very painful to think that I failed either of my children in any way.  

So with work complications and parenting issues colliding, I have been struggling.  But I'm tired of feeling like life is a struggle so I'm going to do my best to feel differently.  Writing this post is my catharsis.  I'm not saying this is going to work forever, no.  I'm not delusional.  I am saying that struggling for weeks due to other people's bad performance and irresponsible behavior is no longer something I'm willing to do.  The calendar tells me that my favorite time of year is fast approaching and it requires my attention and my full presence.  

On Wednesday during parent teacher conferences my children's teachers both told us how wonderful BB and DD are.  It wasn't just their words, it was both teachers' faces, expressions, and eyes as they told us about their progress and achievements.  How lucky I am to be their mother.  Nothing that was said surprised us but I felt like celebrating.  And that's what I'm going to do - celebrate life, not just struggle through it.